What do you hear?
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[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
my proudest tweet
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels