Good Morning.
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Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE