*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
You Might Also Like
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.