Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
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Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”