TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
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careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Care for your back
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.