Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
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*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?