[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
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[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.