Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
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Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it