Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
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*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
is this how new cars are made??
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I occasionally drink every single night.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!