Mood.. 😂
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[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My zodiac sign is pistachio
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.