hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
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me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
gentlemen, hear me out
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Happy weekend !
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.