HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
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wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt