KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
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Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Not recommended for beginners.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!