In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
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I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
#winning
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.