If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
You Might Also Like
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!