How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
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*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
The “baby” on the left….
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
three things we don’t talk about
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
We need to put an American base on the sun
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I didn’t come here to be called names
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.