No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
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Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO