Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
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Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
just witnessed a drug deal
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥