I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
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Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round