2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
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is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.