constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
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Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.