Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
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I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid