My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
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If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
selfie game
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine