Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
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I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.