I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Easy enough.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?