Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
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Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice