EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
You Might Also Like
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.