What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
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I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Ha.