Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
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[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again