[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
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Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.