[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
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FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
consequences, the bane of my existence
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”