I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
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Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
shit just got real
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.