[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
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Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee