the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
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Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
👾👾👾
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Bloody internet 😳
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears