Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
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Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.