I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
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“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.