I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
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Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*