meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
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[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Does this dress make me look cat?
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me