My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
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People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Admin smashed it 😂
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry