Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
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*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”