Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
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person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?