Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
This made me chuckle cuz mood
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving