Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
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At Walmart during the holidays like..
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.