Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
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Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”