My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
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My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Are you ok, human???
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.