Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
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It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Writing, She Murdered.