The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
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Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.