Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
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She was REALLY feeling it.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!