When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
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Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.