GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
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hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree